Can You Fix the Broken
Entry one:
It all started when I was 12, I don't know why I feel this way. I've done everything to tr.m .y to help me get better but nothing's enough. I hate being alone, wish it was that easy to not feel at all. It feels like every time I get higher up my demons just pull me back down to drown It's hard for me to fit in i'm not that perfect girl that everyone looks at and talks about to them i'm a nobody. It's like i'm invisible! I want the pain to go away.
I mean I carry these things inside that no one seems to see, They hold me down so i can succeed . It's just so hard to keep my head out of the clouds. Sometimes I wish I could cut myself out of my skin, I want to be someone else. I want to happy. It's like i'm screaming, over and over again but no one can hear. It's weird I can feel this low and still smile at the same time.
The friends I have, the way that I feel, that sadness that we hold beside ourselves. I have no one I could tell these feelings to, I don't want anyone to think i'm doing this for attention. I'm on the edge of the world and all I wanna do is disappear! Every seconds something's happening and weekend is a war, why does it have to feel like i'm drowning in this deja vu because I think I've seen it all before.
I don't want to do this by myself,why can I have anyone there to help me through this. I heard these lines a thousand times, and I seen it all before. Are we close enough? There is something I must confide, I think we've lost all touch, there's no sparkle in these eyes. My parents don't care, my dad's off with his new family, and mom, well she's got enough to handle rather than dealing with my stupid teenage problems.
My only escape is my music. Which does not get me very far with social standards. No one understands me. I see all these girls off with boys! But why can't I have that ? There is this one boy I like, but I know he would never feel that way about me. I'd be ludicrous to believe a boy like Danny Fitz, JV football star could ever feel that way for a girl like me.
It feels like i've sold my soul, these words don't make sense anymore. Then the people that tell me to get out of my “funk” they don't understand, I need to let it go. I bite my tongue and close my mind because no one will understand.
Entry two:
It's been almost two weeks since i've written. I feel even worse now, so much it hurts to breath anymore. I think life isn't worth fighting for because this is not enough. I want to run, be rid of these demons inside. They live inside us where no one can see, they make me fight, I'm drained, I want to run away. Maybe start all over in a new town a new school. this it's not enough. So let's run away, because it's not worth being another crack in the wall. I know i'm worth more than this ache I feel within me.
The years were cruel to me, and I can't let them go. I lay awake at night trying to find the girl inside with a backbone. I've never felt so torn up in all of my life, i've never felt more hopeless than I do tonight. I don't want to do this anymore, I'm moving on because if I don't come up to catch my breath I might never breath again. I can't believe I let myself break down.
Entry three:
Of course another day of school. I dread waking up every morning. Sometimes I wish I didn't wake up. It's not like anyone would miss me. I'm so alone anyway. The worse part of it all my friends all left me for no reason they looked me in the eye