Chinese Hospitality

Chinese hospitality - genuine caring or ego masturbation?

by Dan

How many of you have had this conversation at a Chinese dinner table:

Yes, it's good. Yes, it's good. Very good. Yes, it's very good. I like it very much. Oh, thank you for putting that in my bowl. Yes, thanks for that too. Yes, I like everything. Yes, yes, I do. Oh, the eggplant? Actually, I don't eat eggplant. It looks delicious but I never eat it. No, no, no. The food is wonderful. Everything is fine and you are very kind. Thank you but I just don't eat eggplant. Oh, thank you for putting some eggplant in my bowl for me to try. Yes, it's very delicious but I am full. No, thank you. I don't want any more soup. No, thank you. I don't want any more rice. No, thank you. I don't want any more cabbage. No, thank you. I don't want any more chicken. No, thank you. I don't want any more fish. I am full…I couldn't eat anymore.

When what you're thinking is:

Yes, everything is good now please stop asking me. I already said that I like it so why keep asking me? Also, I already told you that I'm full. You put food in my bowl after I told you that I don't want anymore. Thanks for not even listening to a word that I've said. You put food in my bowl without asking me one more time and I swear that I'll rip your head off and eat it in front of you even though I'm guessing that the site of me gnawing on your flesh would actually make you happy since it would mean that I'm eating more. I enjoyed your cooking so much but I'm sorry I don't like eggplant and it has nothing to do with you or your cooking. Get over yourself already. I just don't like it. Now, can you please explain to me why you just put some in my bowl after I explicitly told you that I don't eat it? No, I am full. Don't you hear me? I am full. For the love of…I AM FULL!!!! Do you have any idea what that means? Do you even care what I keep telling you?

From what I've learned in all my years here is that Chinese hosts want nothing more than their guests to be happy and comfortable and enjoy themselves as much as possible. That's a very noble pursuit and I complement all Chinese on their efforts but as the saying goes: the road to hell is paved with good intentions. At some point, you've cooked the food, turned on the tv, brought out the good slippers, got your cigarettes ready to hand out, and cracked open your finest bottle of baijiu. That's it…you're done. You've put your best foot forward and now it is up to the Fates to decide how things will go from here.

Here are some tips to not piss off your guests:

1. Listen to them - No, don't just transmit the vibrations emanating from their mouths into auditory signals in your brain. Really listen to them. Did they say that they like the food? Yes? Good. Now move on to the next question. Don't insult your guests by assuming that they are lying to you. If you don't trust your guests then get guests that you do trust.

2. Don't touch their bowls…ever - Look, I have no problems with you, your home, the food, or anything else but I don't like it when someone decides for me what I want. If you think I want some more then why don't you just ask me? Please refer to point #1 above after asking me.

3. Remember that their honesty is what's important - You might want me to enjoy every little thing that you do but I probably won't. In fact, no one will. But that's ok. I like you…remember? No one is going to like everything that you do and if you keep forcing something on them that they've already told you they don't enjoy then you are forcing them into a very uncomfortable position. Uncomfortable guests = unhappy guests. Cut your losses and move on to forcing something else on them.

Like I said, I appreciate the effort but I do happen to be an adult and you insult me by treating me like a child. Can I be any more clear? I told you that