Letter of Confession

~Before I begin this letter, I want you to know that the reason why I’m sharing this with you is because I feel that I have to be completely honest about something that’s very personal to me. Originally, I wanted to tell you, but I just did not feel comfortable and I did not trust you enough. But, I can not keep this from you any longer. I hope after I explain this that you can understand why I did so~

The past two years of my life have been filled with extreme hardship. Although I have had positive things take place in my life, the bad always seems to outweigh the good. When I was going out with Lamar, my high school fling, a gynecologist in Newburgh told me that I had Abnormal Cells and she needed to take a closer look at them. She said not to worry, but that it crucial that she did a procedure to examine the cells carefully because if she didn’t, I could possibly develop Cancer in my Cervix. During this time, mind you, I was having unprotected sex with Lamar and he was the first boy I did that with. This “careful” procedure (known as a biopsy, coposcopy-not really sure how to spell this one) that she performed was one of the most uncomfortable things I ever had to go through. It involves doing something, that makes you feel like you have bad period cramps without having your actual period. After doing this close examination, I did not hear anything again from this doctor until about a year later, which at that time, I considered them incompetent. Before I went away to college, I went to the city to visit my mother’s GYN for a regular pap smear. She then wrote to me in college telling me that my cells were abnormal and that I needed to take some medication (basically this crap that I had to stick up in my coochie). She also told me that I needed to come in so she could do another check-up. So I took the medicine thinking (or rather hoping) that it would clear up whatever was going on down there. I went the GYN in early October. There, she told me that the pap in August should cells of H P V, a sexually transmitted disease, that if left untreated, could cause Cancer. She said she needed to do a second round pap to confirm it. Well sure enough by the end of the month she confirmed it, and I needed to have ANOTHER biopsy in November. The day I went for this biopsy was eleven days after I got the news of my friend being murdered and four days after seeing her mutilating body at her funeral. In my mind, I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life. I could not image myself ever having an intimate relationship with anyone EVER again. I didn’t trust anyone, and I could not image another person’s reaction to my situation. It was a tough time for me, to say the least. After going through this painful procedure, I was told that I needed to have surgery to get “rid” of it. What she told me was that since it is a virus, it will always be in my system, however, antibodies will fight against it and it eventually burns out- no pun intended. So my surgery was scheduled on December 31, 2004 (Happy fucking New Year for me). She said it went well and she got everything out. After the surgery, I could not run track for a month, which sucked because track was my outlet at a school that I hated. After going for a pap smear in March to check the status, it came back clear. Everything was GREAT!!! Life for me started going back to normal. I began to have a different perspective on relationships and thought that God had a little mercy left for me. And then I met you. (what are the chances of that!) For obvious reasons, you could see why I was apprehensive about wanted to have sex. I felt like if I didn’t do it the first time, I would have been contradicting myself based on my actions and then I thought if I didn’t continue having sex with you, you wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore. Now being the strong, independent person that I am, I’m surprised that I felt this way. However, after feeling like I could be with anyone again, I felt like I should be lucky to have someone semi-interested in me. I wanted to tell you so bad. I actually sent you a text message a couple of days after we did it saying that there were some things I needed you to know about me, verbatim. You called me back after receiving that, but I didn’t know what and how to say it. I called Racquel and asked her what I should do. I came to the conclusion