Demacrums and Publicans

It needs to be said that if you, the reader, are very easily offended and/or have little or no sense of humor, you should stop reading for you will not enjoy the contents of the following paragraphs. Also, the footnotes are not meant to insult the intelligence of the reader, instead they are meant to clarify, educate, and allow the reader the most enjoyable reading experience possible (hopefully a couple of laughs). The following dialog is a fine example of cause and effect. The cause is that the little girl, Beth, is nine, a girl, and Republican or publican as her companion, Brian, calls them. The effect is that Brian cannot, or will not play with her.

Brian: I can’t play with you, I’m ten now! And besides, you’re a publican, and my father says that it’s weird that your father’s a publican and his name is Finnegan. He says if you’re going to be a publican your name had better be (1)Lodge or Cabot or something WASPY like that. He says anyone who’s name is Finnegan who isn’t a dema…a dema…a dema-crum is two Buds short of a six pack. And do you know who else is a publican?

Beth: Who?

Brian: (2)President Richard A. Nixon , from my history book. President Richard A. Nixon, and your father, and you are all publicans, and that’s why this country’s going to hell in a hand basket. My father says that all of the publicans are going to hell after they get out of jail for what they did to the Watergate.

Beth: What did the publicans do to the Watergate?

Brian: Didn’t you have it in your own history book?

Beth: Not yet, were only up to the (3)Mimma and the Pimpa and the Santa Marina , Columbus doesn’t even land ‘til Monday…So what did the publicans do to the Watergate?

Brian: Well, they took all the water…from all the poor people…in Cuba.

Beth: Poor people?

Brian: Yeah! (4)The poor people in Cuba had all this water…and they had it in a big laundry...with a gate on it. Then, when the Cubans weren’t looking, the publicans had all their plumbers come up in tanker trucks and they stole all the water…and they brought to President Richard A. Nixon. And they put it in his pool. And he tried to cover it up, but some of it leaked . And all of the publicans got scared, and ran away to the movies!

Beth: What’d they see?

Brian: (5)Deep throat . And all the publicans got caught, and they went into the (6)“slammer ,” and (7)wrote bestsellers , and found Jesus. Period. End of story.

Beth: So that’s why you won’t play with me…

Obviously, because Brian is ten and Beth is nine he is far too mature and grown up to be seen with her, associate with her, and play with her. As you would likely know, if you were ever ten, there is a huge difference between the “one digit numbers” and “two digit numbers.” It is very similar to the superiority complexes that several sophomores seem to contract at the beginning of the year; they take advantage of the fact that they are no longer “at the bottom of the food chain” and take any opportunity that presents itself to call some new kid “stupid freshmen.” Like what eventually happens to Brian…they learn that they were in that place too, and not long ago, and they ultimately come back down to earth.

The fact that Beth is a girl is also a significant part of why Brian is unwilling to play with her. At the age of ten (it is usually younger, but let’s just go with it) boys and girls both have cooties that can afflict the opposite sex with some incurable disease that can only be remedied with a cootie shot. Since Brian had no male friend with him to administer his cootie shot (say the phrase “circle circle, dot dot, now you have your cootie shot) he needed to avoid Beth for the fear of his life.

The most considerable reason of why Brian cannot or will not play with Beth is simple; they differ in political party preference. Brian is a hardcore “dema-crum,” while Beth is, by way of her father, a “publican.” How can a dema-crum possibly associate with a publican, when it is the publican party’s fault that “the country is going to hell in a hand basket?” It’s amusing that in this instant the Republicans are being accused for the downward spiral that are country is taking part in, while it is almost always reversed.