Should I Spy?

By Dr. Robert Huizenga

If you are a spouse who suspects your partner might be having an

affair, wants to find out if he/she is telling the truth or has a need to

discover details of the affair, this article is for you.

The desire, sometime a fairly strong desire to spy or find out

exactly what is happening between your partner and the other

person, is commonly very strong, especially at disclosure of the

affair or prior to that when you sense that something is off kilter.

7 Legitimate Motives for Spying

1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself.

Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or

questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you

confronted him/her and it was met with denial. This created a huge

dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this

doesn't fit! I don't believe it!

To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a

tremendous internal turmoil.

If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath

and at least know that you can trust yourself. You are NOT CRAZY!

Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully

your gut feelings.

2. Spying may help you feel connected to your partner who

seems to be steadily moving away from you. It is a way of

maintaining contact and have some sort of connection to this stranger

who once was well known.

Isn't it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children?

Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game

is at least some contact, ()some involvement. You miss the connection

and try to find someway to maintain the ties.

3. Spying may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the

relationship. You want to know the truth. You sense something does

not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know

what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait.

You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You

want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life.

You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might

be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to

know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.

4. If you suspect that this behavior might be the end of the

relationship, you want to protect yourself legally.

If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other

forms of deception may exist financially or in other areas of the

relationship. Having "evidence" does have some impact in some court

systems.

Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of

affair facing you and the character of your spouse. Please read through

my "7 Reasons For an Affair" to determine the situation that faces you.

If your spouse is someone who can't say no, doesn't want to

say no or is acting out rage, please make sure to take

protective steps.

5. You want to protect yourself medically. You might be

concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at