Persuasion Paper

Matt B

2/14/05

PY129

Persuasion Paper

Hello, woman who sits in the front of the class. I may not have your name, but I do have some unfortunate news for you. You should never go out with me. We all know it would have happened. Everybody knows what’s on a woman’s mind, and how could I not notice things like the way you stare at me in class, it’s just so distracting. I’m just trying to stop this very attractive problem before it’s too late. This paper will save you from years of therapy and gallons of Ben and Jerry’s cookie dough. Don’t feel bad, it’s not you, well actually it is; but you can still choose from the other 10 guys in our class who mysteriously all sit in a circle around you! I just don’t think things would work out between us. I believe that I have a pretty good idea of what kind of a person you are from being in your logic class and never talking to you once. Our close and personal relationship gives me insight to who you are, and why we aren’t right for each other. First, your too predictable and boring for me, second, your not willing to change, and third, I don’t think you could satisfy me.

Variety is the spice of life! Mix things up a bit. You sit in the same seat every day, who does this? Don’t you ever wonder what it feels like to sit someplace else? I wouldn’t be able to stand that kind of compliancy. Another testament to your predictability, is the fact that you never have a story to tell about how your weekend was. This means either one of two things.

1) You do nothing on weekends. Your idea of fun is watching the Lifetime channel. You go to Six Flags and enjoy such rides as ‘Teacups,’ ‘Ferris wheel,’ and ‘Dirty bench by the hotdog stand.’

2) Just the opposite. Maybe you frequent S&M clubs or rob orphans on the weekends. Whatever it is, it probably makes the baby Jesus cry. You disgust me.

So start enjoying the finer, more fun things in life. Until then, though, I just don’t think your ready for my kind of excitement.

You most likely do a variety of things, or have some qualities that are unattractive to me, and you are also unwilling to change them. I know this because of our many interactions together, where you have revealed to me your deepest secrets and habits. I can also probably guess a few of them. Do you own 25 cats? Do you jump in front of cars and sue the driver? Do you kick kittens? Do you require a colostomy