Mad Cow Disease

Ten years ago, if I had gone into the local McDonald's and ordered a

Big Mac, I wasn't thinking about cholesterol ... probably because I didn't

know what it was. If someone had told me back then my two all-beef patties

were oozing with cholesterol, I probably would've said, "So that's what

they put into the special sauce."

But nowadays, I think about cholesterol a lot, but I'm still not clear

what it is.

Now, I live in England, which shouldn't affect my beef consumption, but

here I think twice before ordering a burger.

It's not the nebulous cholesterol content I worry about but whether

I'll come down with a case of "Mad Cow Disease."

No joke, the cows over here are barking -- make that mooing -- mad, and

some here are afraid the disease can be passed to humans. The scientific

term is called Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, BSE for short, and it can

transform a cow's brain into mushy sponge cake. It has killed more than

13,000 British animals since May 1986, officials across the big trough

say.

Cow scientists say the deranged cattle get infected by eating sheep's

brains, which leaves me questioning their sanity in the first place, the

cows I mean.

Anyway, you'd think the rational health-conscious bovine would

want to stick to a sensible, low-cholesterol diet, and fill its four

stomachs with oat bran, lentils and fish. But these cows like to graze on

the wild side -- hanging out in all the wrong pastures, going on joy

stampedes, chewing cud with their mouths open, having the names of easy

cows branded on their hindquarters...

Yet sadly, as a result of their racy lifestyle, these poor steers are

doomed to a life of insanity. Plagued by hallucinations, schizophrenia,

megalomania, and other psychoses to numerous to mention in this article,

these creatures are unlikely to be homogenized into normal society.

Instead, they're herded off to the county loony barn where they are

caged like the animals they are, and subjected to experimental

bovopsychiatry to include Pasteurian analysis and the controversial

electro-prod therapy.

To allow this inhumane treatment to continue would be a great

injustice. Sure, we, in Great Britain, could ban all beef products but

that would be too easy, plus we'd be putting a lot of hard working-class

cows in the dole line, who's only fault is they're the cow equivalent of

Charles Manson.

So I've proposed to my British neighbors they make "Mad Cow Disease"

beef their first choice at the meat counter. Why not ask for it by name?

At the butcher -

"Could I have a pound of roast beef. And could you make that lean and

loony, please?"

Or in the fast food restaurant -

"I'll have a large chocolate shake, fries, and a six-piece box of Beef

McNutters with the psycho sauce."

I know what your thinking, "Won't the British public be at risk by

eating this infected meat?"

All I can say is "Who do I look like? Marcus Welby, M.D.?"