Pirates Are Freakin’ Awesome

Kevin McCray

Eng101

10/17/07

Pirates Are Freakin' Awesome

So pirates are awesome, what can I say? Do I really need to back this up with a lengthy essay? I think not, but it seems I have to. Let us begin with the basics; what is a pirate? When I say pirate, I am not talking about these 21st century pirates stealing copyrighted material, but booty. Yes, all the way back in the 17th century where one wasn't called a pirate for sitting in your room running a crappy peer-to-peer program, but one whom has a battle scarred body, gets drunk whenever they are conscious, obeys the code of honor, says "arg" one too many times, and does all this for the booty. Treasure booty, not booty booty. To comprehend the degree of how awesome pirates are, we must compare them to another well known awesome job: ninjas.

Both of these are extremely high up there on the awesome scale, but I'll have to break them down into their basic components in order to show just how awesome pirates are. First on the list would be their clothes. Most pirates do wear eye patches to hide their hideous battle scars which for some reason always happens to occur on the eye. Sometimes a unfortunate pirate may obtain a dismembered limb. Missing hands and legs can of course be replaced with hooks and pegs. Other than being decked out in hooks and eye patches, pirates would tend to wear overly sized shirts and shredded shorts. Ninjas on the other hand wear stylish black fabrics which covers their entire body. So the question here is which is more badass, hooks and pegged legs or a black sheet of fabric? That's what I thought.

Onto our next subject of the two; pets. Pirates have a wide assortment of pets on their ships, ranging from a monkey or a parrot. As we saw from "The Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest", the captain of the ship had a pet monkey. This monkey acted just as human as the crew mates did on the ship and understood them. Monkeys that make us laugh set pirates on another level of awesome. But what do ninjas have as pets? It's very simple, they do not have any. Sure they may talk to the occasional butterfly about their feelings, but can that butterfly talk back? No, they can't. Pirates even have pets that talk back to them. Parrots can fly around and perch on their master's shoulder making them look even cooler.

Next area would be method of transportation. Pirates sailed massive wooden ships which laughed at anything anyone in the 17th century threw at them. These things were huge; they contained prison cells, bunk rooms, kitchens, storage rooms for all the rum (the most important item of pirating), gun powder, and many powerful cannons. You can imagine it being like one of today's luxury cruise lines except minus the luxury and add more alcohol. What do a ninjas, a warrior who is specially trained in the art of war, use as transportation? Only their feet. Which is just another reason why pirates are freakin' awesome.

The fuel for these manly beasts (pirates, not ninjas) would be one thing and one thing only, rum. Rum was the drink of choice for pirates and it wasn't a bad one. Barrels and barrels would be stored on their vessels sometimes being more important than the storage of food. What else would someone do while being at sea for weeks and weeks at a time? Get drunk obviously. Would you want to be sober on a ship full of filthy men for weeks on end? I thought so. Ninjas don't drink any type of alcohol; it would mess with their entire spiritual realm, thus throwing