Campus Security Satire

Campus Security

Charlotte, North Carolina—Over the past seven months there have been almost 100 robberies in the University Area. Most of the robberies have been residential, which means the suspects broke into someone’s home. Unfortunately, only six of the robberies have been armed. The robberies have taken place during the hours of 8:00 PM to 1:00 AM. Most of the victims have said that the suspects were black males, about six feet tall. The city of Charlotte better watch out because before long the NAACP will be here saying that we are a racist community because we always accuse the African Americans. They will probably try to make us set free all the blacks in our jails because they were “unjustly” accused of a crime that they supposedly did not commit. What if the attacker was white and wore a black facemask? If someone was attacking you do you think you would pay enough attention to if it were a mask or not? No, you would be trying to get away and make enough noise so that someone could save you. Nowadays no one bothers to help each other out. Most of the time when someone sees someone being robbed, beat, or anything else, they either just sit there and watch, or they just go run and hide. No one cares for each other anymore.

Also in the University Area, there have been over 25 vehicle thefts, most of which have been college students. Mothers and fathers need to stop buying their kids brand new cars when they go off to college. Parents think, “Oh, my kid is going off to school and they need a brand new BMW, so that means I have to get it for them. If it gets stolen, I’ll just go buy them another one.” Robbers know that many of the students that go to UNC-C have money or their parents have money, so they target the students to try to get more than they would if they tried to steal from someone in the ghetto. Well, come to think of it, they would probably be shot in the ghetto if they tried it there. We all might as well buy brand new BMW, Lexus, Infinite, Jaguar, Ferrari, Porsche, and all the other high price vehicles and pimp them. After that, maybe the university will put security cameras everywhere to help capture the thieves and help us keep our cars. Who cares if that would cost a bunch of money? The school charges students enough that they have the money to do it.

The Charlotte Mecklenburg Police Department just released the following on how to stay safe:

1. Walk in groups of seven people.