National Security Satire

National Security

It has come to my attention that the current state of our nation is one of peril and doubt. Due to the recent attacks brought upon our nation’s soil by terrorists and “evil doers,” it is understandable that the current degree of national security must be heightened. Our country can no longer be one of completely freewill with utter disregard to those outside of our borders, but must now come to suspect all inhabitants alien to our land as potential threats to our sovereign freedom. It is with this in mind that I propose a plan to further bolster the security of our most vulnerable, and frequently exploited resource, our nation’s airports.

I have ruminated the subject concerning airport security reform to prevent another September Eleventh for a number of months now, and have come to the conclusion that it does not take a savant to see that before this ill-fated date our national security level was equivalent to the intelligence level of a house-fly. I propose that we must fortify our airports to their fullest with every measure possible in order to prevent another tragedy of this magnitude.

The security measures should start the moment a person exits their vehicle and is unloading their baggage. If they exhibit what we define as a “terrorist” appearance (All people of brown skill and Central Asian decent), then they should be thoroughly stared at and made to feel as uncomfortable as possible by our AK-47 toting security officials, as it is proven that this measure will discourage any thoughts of terrorist activity by fifty percent (study conducted by students at South Florida Community College).

Prevention should then proceed to the ticketing counter, where if doubt of a person’s integrity is prevalent, their boarding pass can be denied and the suspect taken into federal custody. For those of the “terrorist” appearance, a different and more conclusive set of questions should be used to unveil possible threats. The following are some examples of subtle, yet concise questions that may be asked: “Do you where a towel on your head, and if so, why?”, “Do you prefer riding a camel or driving a car?”, and “Are you related